The Real Reason I Won’t Be Having Another Child
I’m going to preface this post by sharing something personal to me. Some people may think this is not important to the story, but I think that it is. I also wanted to make sure you knew that I’m very grateful that I was able to have kids, for the two amazing boys I have, and to have a job. And finally, as with anything, it’s important to say never say never.
Before having kids, I dreamt about having a daughter; the relationship I would have with her, the special bond between us, and the things we would do together. But even before Micah and I got married, we agreed that we would only have two kids. Micah always lightly put it that there should be one parent for each child, and in return, I would joke that if I had two boys, I would keep having kids until I had a girl. (It’s only slightly funny that Micah is the youngest of three boys!)
When I found out that our first child Jack was a boy, my instinct is to say that I was disappointed, but disappointed isn’t the right word. I wasn’t sad that he was a boy, but I was sad that I only had 1 chance left to have a daughter.
Then during my second pregnancy, after the tech performing the 12-week ultrasound said she was fairly confident that Henry was a boy, I held it together until I got home and then…I cried. Like before, I wasn’t sad that Henry was a boy, in fact, I was really happy that Jack would get to have a brother, a special bond in and of itself. But I cried because the hopes and dreams I had for my imaginary daughter were gone.
For months after Henry was born, I had several conversations with Micah about having another child. It wasn’t that I had definitively made up my mind that I needed to try one more time for a daughter, but I wanted to keep my dream alive. Only recently have I come to the conclusion that my family is (most likely) complete, a phrase that’s actually hard for me to write, because it seems so final. But every time I toy with the idea of another child, I come to the conclusion that our family simply cannot.
So, let’s talk about the elephant in the room, the real reason we won’t be having another child. It all boils down to one word, money. More specifically, the cost of childcare. I’m sure everyone has heard the phrase that you shouldn’t wait until you feel ready to have kids because the time will never come. The word “ready” in this sentence can be in regards to so many things; emotionally, socially, financially. When it comes to financial things though, before you have kids, it’s hard to truly grasp the cost of a child.
Jack was born in January of 2015. When he turned 4 months old, I went back to work and Jack started going to daycare full time. The center we selected was the cheapest in our area, but we didn’t choose his daycare based solely on cost. This center truly was and still is the best fit for our family and an amazing place! For children under 2 years old, the cost of daycare is $300 a week. Based on what part of the country you live in though, this number might sound high or low.
This center allows us to take one unpaid week of vacation time per year, which means that your child must be absent for 5 consecutive days. Other than that though, you have to pay $300 a week. It doesn’t matter if your child is sick or your family takes a long weekend, you still have to pay $300 a week. This is common practice at daycare centers and I totally get the reasons why; after all, it is a business.
After you multiply $300 a week times 51 weeks, you find that the annual cost to have a child under 2 years old in daycare, full time is $15,300. This is essentially money I had to pay so I could go to work.
In May of 2016, Henry was born. Throughout my maternity leave, Jack continued to go to daycare for several reasons. One is that we thought it would disrupt his routine. Jack had been going to daycare 5 days a week since he was 4 months old. To pull a 1.5 year old out of daycare for 3 months and then try to re-enroll him would most likely be traumatic. And second and perhaps most importantly, if I pulled him out of daycare during my maternity leave, there was no guarantee that the daycare would have an open spot for him when I returned to work. So, I continued to pay $300 a week through the summer and he continued to go.
In September, Henry joined Jack at daycare, which meant that my cost doubled. Having two children under 2 at daycare meant I was paying $600 a week. Can you believe that, $600 A WEEK?!?! Just so I could go to work. When Jack turned two, his fee dropped to $220 a week, but I’m still paying $520 a week to have 2 kids at daycare.
When I filed taxes last year, I saw that I had paid over $20,000 to daycare and Henry was only enrolled from September through December. This year I will spend over $26,500 for daycare.
But this is only half the story, because the $26,500 a year I pay for daycare doesn’t include all the other things my kids need: doctors appointments, diapers, clothing, car seats, or food. It doesn’t cover the other things that aren’t necessary but come as part of the territory of having kids, like the cost of birthday parties, zoo and children museum memberships, or Christmas presents. Don’t get me wrong, I am so grateful to have my kids, but they are really expensive.
Just to give you some perspective, in 2014, the U.S. Census reported that the average household income in the United States was just above $51,000 a year. After you take out taxes, the mortgage or rent, utilities and childcare, there’s hardly anything left.
On top of all that, when Jack was born, a friend of ours who is a financial adviser told us another scary number. She said that if we wanted to start a college fund that would be able to cover Jack’s education at a place like Washington University (since we live in St. Louis), we would have to start saving $400 a month immediately following his birth. I could barely keep up with the current expenses, let alone think about contributing to a savings plan for college.
So, to answer the question that so many people ask, “Will you have another child?” or perhaps more specifically “Aren’t you going to try for a girl?” To be honest, I still dream of having a daughter and I will never say never. But with the exception of a surprise, the short answer is no. To have 3 children in daycare, our family simply will not be able to make ends meet.
Child care is so expensive! Thankful mine are spaced out enough that my daughter is in school now but some people don’t want kids that far apart. I didn’t want mine super close together so I like that she’s a bit older. I do hope to put them in private school at some point but it’s insanely expensive where I live… more so than daycare!
Some days I wish we could’ve spaced ours out a little more. Because of my husband’s program, we had a couple years where his work load (and hours) were much more reasonable. But in the fall, he will start his clinical rotations and his hours will be beyond crazy! So we decided to have our kids before those chaotic years, which we are fortunate worked out for us. But that being said, the cost of two really young children is expensive! I’m dreaming of the day when they *hopefully* can go to a public school!
I had a similar problem when I lived in Massachusetts. We got an au pair and it was a fantastic decision. We saved money, had a wonderful new member of the family, and child care was based on our schedule not a center’s. I loved it. Now we have seven. I homeschool. I have no idea how we pay the bills every month but we do. We skimp on things. We gets lots of hand me downs. There’s things we don’t get to do but there’s also joy. I’m not saying this to contradict your choice or feelings. They’re totally legit. At seven I feel rather done for many reasons as well. Thankfully I’m home with my kids now. Plus boys are wonderful! They’re hard when they’re young but less drama when they’re older. Blessings.
Sharon, thanks for sharing and for your honesty. I’ve heard of people getting an au pair, but I guess I’ve never really done the research. I do get the skimping on things and hand-me downs. We currently run a tight budget, so we save pretty much any way we can. I know that if I had 3 kids, it would make sense for me to stay home but currently I am the main breadwinner for our family (and the person who carries the insurance). I agree though, kids are a blessing and they bring so much joy to our lives!
Sarah- I finally had a chance to sit down and read this post. It’s been on my mind all day. I remember feeling the same way when I found out I was having a boy- I had planned to have my girl, Julia, and we would do girly things together like mani’s and pedi’s and I was disappointed when I found out I was having a boy! However, like you, I am so happy to have my son. He’s been wonderful and I’m sure I’m a better mom to a boy than a girl anyway.
My story is different tho- someday I’ll blog about it. But at the end of the day, due to marital problems, I only have the one. And there are days when it KILLS me to have an only child. I feel cheated. And I feel like my son has been cheated. But then, I have to remind myself how lucky I am to have this wonderful, kind, loving, smart, healthy boy. It’s not always easy to remember that- if i’m being honest. Thank you for posting this and being so honest!
Kate, thank you so much for sharing your very honest thoughts. I agree with what you said, I think I’m probably a better “boy mom” anyway (however the day they start bringing worms and frogs for me to see will be traumatic!) Thanks again for being so open and thanks for taking the time to read this post!
What a heartfelt post! Making a decision like this is so hard. My kids are 14 and 8, and still I wonder…”What if?” Childcare is expensive, and now I’m thinking about college costs!! It doesn’t end. Thank you for such a frank post!
My godmother was the reverse. She wanted a boy and she got five girls. She wanted to keep trying but as you said child care is expensive. Each child will require individual and combined needs.
Girl…I feel ya! I have two girls and we have thought about having another, but like you I don’t think it’s in the cards. Once I had kids we cut back on tons of stuff in order for me to stay home. One of the main reasons was because, as a teacher, I wouldn’t make hardly anything above the cost of paying childcare so what was the point. I recently got a job at my kids three-hour-a-day preschool and it’s been the perfect fit. An outlet for me, a place for them, and a little money coming in. It’s definitely hard to make the decisions financially and emotionally. Good luck!
What a honest post. *slow clap* It’s needs to be sent to Congress.
Childcare costs are absolutely insane. Then, even when your kids go to school there’s before and after care, and the summer to think about. Summer camp is just as expensive as daycare! It was tough financally when we had 2 in daycare at the same time. I can’t even imagine being able to afford 3 at the same time!
This is mind boggling. And exactly why I chose to be a a stay-at-home mom. It’s not for everyone but it’s what works best for us. I refuse to pay someone to watch my kid so that I can go back to work, it makes no sense to me! I don’t blame you for deciding to stop at 2.
Hi Gina! I totally get being a stay at home mom! I would’ve considered it if it fit our family, but my husband is currently a graduate student, so I carry the insurance for our family (and am the main breadwinner.)
Money is the reason we are limiting having more children as well. I paid for childcare all of 6 months before figuring out how to accommodate staying at home and just going ahead and having our second. I am hoping we can change our circumstances and have another child.
Hi Andrea! Thanks for sharing! It’s awesome that you were able to find a way to stay home. As the saying goes, if there’s a will there’s a way!
I totally get it Sarah! We spend $215 a week for daycare here in Florida, and it kills me to look at our bank statements every month. But we also have insurance through my work, I enjoy my job, and I make so much more working than I would save by not working, so it makes sense to keep things this way.
Hi Allison! I completely agree about the bank statement thing. One perk is that our daycare lets us pay with our credit card, so at least we are earning points for our daycare costs! And I completely agree with what you said, I carry the insurance in our family, I LOVE my job and I am the main breadwinner right now, so it’s not an option to stay at home with them. Thanks for commenting!
I totally understand you. I have 6 children. I had 3 boys before having my daughter. When I found she was a girl I cried and cried because I also knew I needed that girl. My entire life was imaginaing how close we would be. Don’t get me wrong I love love my boys just as much and wouldn’t change anything. After having my daughter I was like ok well she needs a sister too. Boys grow up and move away and when I’m gone who will she have. The thought crosses my mind daily. We went on to have 2 more boys and they are ALL the loves of my life. The reasons why I wake up everyday. And I still feel like hey she needs a sister! Clearly we are not good at the making girls part!! So yes I am a mom of 6 amazing children all under the age of 7. 5 boys and 1 girl. And I haven’t said I’m done. I worked up until my fourth was born. After that there was no point in me working. I have 4 children in private schools because we will in the city and the schooling just isn’t great. You have to make sarcrafices. We struggled a couple years but the struggle has made us who we are. No I don’t get government assistance for all you who automatically think that!! My kids have the best of the best and maybe even more than an only child. They don’t go without and will never go without. As far as college goes, when it’s time for my child to go off I wouldn’t be able to afford one never mind 6. And I paid for my education myself. I will absolutely give them everything I can to make any of there dreams come true but that being said we will always have each other. We are a strong tight knit family and anything can happen. Life happens. And no one can change how life work. I will just be the Mom I have always have been and move forward. I have been blessed with more than many in this world and I will not let anyone or anything bring us down.
Also my children are in Dance, Gymnastics, baseball soccer, hockey, they play it all. I’m a taxi 7 days a week all year long. But those are the sacrifices that we made as a family. I just went back to work overnight and that’s all savings. I haven’t worked in 4 years so all my paycheck goes to is savings. Why would we start using it! Save save save. Pay things off. If you can’t pay cash don’t buy it. We have a nice house with minimal mortgage because we paid double for a long time. We have new cars (i have a bus) that are paid for. We just pay extra and extra till we have no payments. My biggest advice I give to all the young people I meet is save. Pay everything off. If you can’t pay cash don’t buy it. When my grocery bill is about 400+ weekly having no bills helps a lot!!!
That is insane. Why does childcare cost so much where you live. And doesnt the state or the employer pay anything? Here (holland) we ge childcare subsidised. I dont work now (stay @ home mom with 4 kids). But when i worked when i haf obly my oldest, i used about 20 hours childcare a week, and it costed me about 80 euros a month, the rest was payed for by the state.vThat is to stimulate women to have a carere as well. If you would like more children, isnt it a option to stop working?
Hi Melissa! Thanks for commenting!
The state and my job pays nothing towards childcare. There are some employers that would offer discounted childcare or perhaps have childcare “in house,” but overall that is probably very rare here in the States. I can’t quit my job (besides the fact that I enjoy it), because my job pays for my health insurance and my childrens, so without a job, we wouldn’t be able to afford healthcare (or have much money for living expenses). I know it sounds crazy, but that’s why I wrote this post. Because having a child is more complicated than just wanting one, at least in our situation.
I had my first son my last year of high school so I was a teen mom and my second son at age 21. Both boys ages 11 and 8 now. My now husband and i rotated schedules between working the night and day shift. So I was on night shift for 4 years and he worked day shift after we had our first son. Then after I had my 2nd son, I found a higher paying, day shift job, so my husband found a night shift job.
One, we started as teen parents and had no extra money and we never trusted keeping our kids who couldn’t speak yet with strangers. So we sacrificed so we wouldn’t have to pay for daycare.
( Btw neither of us have a college degree. (No college debt) my husband has a CDL license. )
Now they are both in school. I am still at the same job and they started offering work from home positions which I took a few years back. My husband is an Entrepreneur and working to get his buisness off the ground so he works at temporary jobs or does carrier on the side as needed, but money is never the same from his end. But we always find a way to pay what we need and have a little extra. We don’t own a lot but our family bond is strong and we are always full and having fun.
I am now pregnant with our 3rd child at age 29 and thought I’d never have kids again because it was hard in our earlier years of marriage just getting along and everyone makes you feel like you need to have a lot of money to have kids. But my husband and I have come through a lot of HARD places together having to grow up together and I realize him starting his own buisness will always leave us open to money questions. But we’ve always made a way to have a roof and food and all the love to make our little space feel like a universe.
I asked the Creator for a daughter before I even told my husband I wanted another child. Then I told my husband and this time it took a year for us to get pregnant and I thought we wouldn’t be able to. And as soon as I came to terms in accepting I may not be able to, I found out i was pregnant. I don’t focus on how much money I don’t have or daycare because we will always find a way. A job is a job, there are a million out there. I do care about who I get to love and that is irreplaceable. I only get this life and a little time to build my family and I’m thankful to have this 3rd child. My oldest son cried happy tears when we told him. My youngest started praying for a sister. No job/money is more important for me to replace those memories.
When I’m 50 I will not look back with regret. My mother said that to me one day, that she wished she had more kids while she was able. She only has me and my brother. She didn’t have a lot of money at the time and decided not to try for more.
I don’t know of any families that went homeless for having 4 or more kids. They just had to make the space they have work.
Anyway, you only live this one. Do you really want to base your life around daycare, money, jobs? Or do you want to really LIVE?
Have you thought about hiring someone “nanny” and pay them that amount to cover your kids? You could pay the same amount as your current daycare…maybe even less. No paying for weeks and days you don’t use her… offer a weekly rate and see if someone bites.?! There are ways around child care cost, you just have to find them! It makes me sad that someone gives up a hypothetical child because of cost…:(
I use to nanny, and currently a SAHM, I watch another baby with mine…still get a paycheck while being with my kids, I don’t get paid on days I don’t work. Maybe find a local mama looking for the same thing? Sorry if you have thought of this already, just rather be redundant in the chance of helping. 🙂
Also I have two girls and just found out, today, I am pregnant with number three. Hope I dont end up with all girls! ??♀️ But understand that feeling all too well, love what you have but missing what you don’t.
Hi Kristen!
Thanks so much for your response! To be completely honest, I haven’t really looked into the details of a nanny. I did a little research on some websites, but then decided not to pursue it further because of what ifs. I didn’t know what I’d do if my nanny got sick, I didn’t realize not paying them for sick days was negotiable (I thought you had to pay them no matter what) and my work hours are flexible, some days I’m done at 12:30 and others 4:30. I just our situation might not be ideal for a nanny. (But perhaps I should look into this more!)
Now that my kids are a little bit older (they could both start preschool next year), I’m actually trying to see if I can get them into a public preschool, which would be FREE!!! (I would cry tears of joy if this could work!) In St. Louis, they use a lottery system to determine who gets into the schools, so we will have to wait and see!
I really appreciate your time and thoughtful comment, you brought up something I really haven’t looked into enough. We do love the socialization and all the activities they do at school, but I know with the right nanny, they could probably get a similar experience at home.
I am trying to find ways to make our finances work to make another child a possibility! And CONGRATS on your pregnancy! I am SO happy for you and wish you the VERY best!
Best wishes,
Sarah